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f u c k f u c k f u c k Apr. 18, 2003 fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. let me start off by saying that it's almost 10:30 and i'm back at my store. Boss called, and some customers contacted mall security, saying they left their keys in my store. So i turned back. Waited. Waited. Finally called mall security a minute ago, and the goddamn family left their goddamn keys at the GODDAMN INDIRECT T-Mobile store down the hall, NOT my store. FUCKERS. On that note. Talked to Ash. And here's the nutshell that has had my stomach in knots... when she was very close to being as in love with me as she could get without being with me, she felt she couldn't be herself. This was about a year ago. So, not being able to be herself around me is a bad thing. And this was due to her very strong feelings for me, which, at the time, were not reciprocated. She doesn't WANT to not be herself around me. Understandably. What's the only way this would happen? If she felt as much as she did before, again. How would that happen? If we treated this relationship we have NOW, as something more. Problem being 2 things. I feel something more. It's been growing almost exponentially. And i cannot help it. The other, she is leaving in August, this is the MAIN factor. NOTHING CAN COME OF THIS BECAUSE SHE IS MOVING TO SAN FRAN. No, i'm not moving out there with her because 1. i'm not ready to move again, i'm happy here. 2. she NEEDS to go there alone. That's one of the most important things to her, is that she's doing it alone. And i agree 100%. So we agreed to continue on exactly as we are. Friends during the day, acknowledging otherwise, of course, in laughter, and at night, we do what we've been doing. No problem. But shit. I'm feeling things, i'm feeling REAL things that i don't even have to THINK about like the other times i tried to convince myself... I'm wanting someone. And i can't talk myself out of it, and believe me, i'm fucking trying. So i'm feeling things. But i can't talk about it, WE can't talk about it, because then it may lead to us developing into something more, which it can't because 1. she's MOVING and 2. she may stop "being herself" like she did last time, and that's fucking horrible. I know i have no control over it, but it's horrible nonetheless. That's the last thing i want from her, from us. So it's a goddamn Catch 22, isn't it? If i TALK, if i TELL her how i feel, it leads to things not being okay. Guaranteed not okay because she's moving, there's no happy ending for a relationship. If i DON'T tell her how i feel, i'm not being honest with her, she's not being honest with me, and i have to fucking care about her more and more and KEEP IT CONTAINED. What the GODDAMN FUCK. What the fuck is going on? There IS no resolution. The only thing you might say is, "Well why don't you just BE?" Because i'm NOT just being. I'm not standing still, my heart is NOT stagnant, is NOT relaxed, it's GROWING. It's EXPANDING and gliding and moving and searching and learning and feeling and swelling. My heart is in MOTION, but my mouth cannot be. What the goddamn FUCK. I have to just sit with it. I have to keep my mouth shut for the cause of us. For the cause of HER, of ME, speed up for the crash, yeah, i used to speed up for the crash, i know, but i can't if i want this friendship to last longer. FUCK.
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