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the usual concern Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2003 well, i've got the usual concern, surfacing again, and logic has no time nor place in my spinning, desperate little head... she loves me, deeply, intensely, so much that i don't entirely fear her finding someone else. yes, though i know the circumstances were different years ago, in my head, when you left for school in england, i feared somewhere that you'd find someone else, that me waiting there would prove to be the best idea... and you did find someone else, and it crushed me. that fear is there, due to circumstance, due to what i'm used to. a lot, in fact, of what i'm used to, is surfacing. the uneasy knowing that i'd prefer Ash to not always be letting me in. i'm used to the earning of it, i'm used to the blinding times you'd come back, and your eyes would be on me truly. I'm fearing that i got accustomed to and enjoyed that noble chase in my patience. i don't need patience with her. not on that level. and what's replacing that time waiting and smiling, is anxiety and questioning. not that i think she's misguided. i still feel i'm not ready for the Real Thing. and i don't think i'll ever be ready or willing to be living with complete comfort, either. If there's no disappointment in someone, how can your appreciation be so great? Fragmented and frustrated, but she always does surprise me when i put it on the table and she understands completely... by the way, here's fun with the new webcam... back to my normal color and honest-to-god length of dreadlocks...
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Contact Me Older Entries Newest Entries Diaryland a day early - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003 so. - Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 divorcing - Thursday, Jul. 31, 2003 the usual concern - Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2003 san fran - Thursday, Jul. 24, 2003 notifylist |
